Are You Listening Microsoft?

When they finally get the Windows spoken interface packaged for general distribution, I think I’m going to get the Jamaican Male voice.  There’s something calming and easy-going about the voice – the perfect antidote to our faster, faster, in-demand world.

Me: Hey, Mon.

Computer: Yea.  Wat a gwan my yuut?

Me: Look, I just sliced into my finger with a knife cutting a bagel.  I need directions to the nearest open emergency room.

Computer: Lawd, mi gad.  Let me get it fe yuh.  It da 10 minutes away.  I’m sending the directions to my bredda GPS in your car. Arright?

Me: Good, look I’ll need you to…

Computer: Hold on.  Webmd sa keep yu finger elevated and tie-it-up wit a piece of clath?

Me: Yea, I’m ok.  I’m going to need you to send …

Computer: Mak mi tell ya sumtin, 65 percen people cut their finger off while aeat breakfast.  Look here now, Williams-Sonoma has a bagel cutter fe $25.99.  How bout I arder it fer yu?.

Me: Yeah… No… Maybe… I don’t know, can this wait Mon?

Computer: Hold Tight, Mon.  Everyting copasetic an mats.  I just found another one on e-bay, can I put a bid in…

Me: Mon! Stop with the bagel cutters, I’m outta here.  Send my wife a text message telling her where I’m going.  Where’s my phone?

Computer: Bredda Phone saying its dark where he is.  Maybe he’s in your other pants, Mon?  Mek mi take picture.

Me: No!  No more pocket pictures.  I got it, thanks.  Send the hospital notice that I’m on my way and a copy my insurance info.  I hate waiting.

Computer: Aright.  Mi tak care of that a’ready.  Gwaan man.  By the way, can the Computer Shopping News?

Me: Yeah, yeah, whatever.  Don’t buy anything; you remember what happened last …

Computer: Ya Mon.  Mi member. Mi member. Zeen.

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